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The Bachelorette: Power Ranking This Season’s Bachelors

By on June 7, 2015 – 1:19 pm

BACK ROW: TANNER, DANIEL, BEN H., IAN, KUPAH, COREY, SHAWN E., JOE;  MIDDLE ROW: BRADLEY, SHAWN B., JOSH A., JOSH S., BRADY, JARED, TONY, BEN Z., RYAN M.;  FRONT ROW: RYAN B., CHRIS, JUSTIN, JONATHAN, CLINT, DAVID, CORY, JJ
By: Sean Burch, Features Editor

I watch The Bachelorette for a different reason than most people. Cheering for romance and a blossoming relationship that will hopefully last a lifetime? Nah. I watch it for the insufferable people that inevitably find their way onto the show, season after season. The dirtbags, the emotionally-whipped headcases, and the airheads. I’m talking about the douchebags.

Without fail, The Bachelorette finds guys that make me ashamed to have a Y chromosome. And this is during a season that actually has a few guys that seem to have redeemable qualities. Still, I felt it was my duty to take a deeper look at the type of contestants we’re dealing with right now.

Here’s a completely arbitrary and in no way consistent look at the remaining contestants, from least to most douchie.

ian_bachelorette

Bachelor: Ian
Distinguishing characteristic:
 Could be 50 different ethnicities.
I kinda like Ian, actually. I appreciate how he was so worked up after making out with Kaitlyn back on the third episode. Here, check it out:

See, that’s a guy who is there for “the right reasons.” I’m on #TeamIan — at least for the time being.
D-Bag Rating: 2

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jonathan_bach

Bachelor: Jonathan
Distinguishing characteristic: A hearty, endearing laugh.
Jonathan is from Detroit, and I respect a man from Detroit. He’s affable and introduced us to this gem last week:

D-Bag rating: 2.5

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ryanb_bach

Bachelor: Ryan B
Distinguishing characteristic: Wearer of cool glasses. 
Ryan B earned a pass for his goofy haircut when he bumbled his way through his sex ed lesson:

He’ll be gone soon.
D-Bag Rating: 3

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joshua_bach

Bachelor: Joshua
Distinguishing characteristic: Probably a virgin.
He doesn’t really seem that bad. But he does seem like a 31-year-old virgin.

He’s never not awkward, and I think his time is coming to an end soon. Seems like a nice guy, though.
D-Bag Rating: 3.5

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shawnB_bach

Bachelor: Shawn B
Distinguishing characteristic: Looks like Ryan Gosling’s stand-in.
I feel like I should like Shawn more than I do. We have a similar beard-thing going on, and we do have the same name — even if he spells it the bootleg way. But still, any man that lists his favorite musical artists as James Aldean, Blake Shelton, and “obviously” One Direction, whether sarcastic or not, is someone you should definitely keep an eye on.

At any rate, he doesn’t seem like a colossal asshat, especially for this show. If anything, he seems a little dense, and it’s mildly endearing. Just listen to this pearl-of-wisdom on his strategy with Kaitlyn:

That Napoleon-esque mentality paid off with a kiss later in last week’s episode, and will be needed to make a long run on this season.
D-Bag Rating: 4.5

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ben_h_bach

Bachelor: Ben H
Distinguishing characteristic: The better looking Ben.
He looks like a software salesman. No personality, good or bad. Ben H is the smallest of blips on the radar, and no one, not even Ben’s family, will remember his time on The Bachelorette. He gets a 5, simply because it’s impossible to gauge him.
D-Bag Rating: 5

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benZ_bach

Bachelor: Ben Z
Distinguishing characteristic: College football player/emotional robot
He’s from San Jose, CA., which makes him this season’s resident BAT (Bay Area Tool). He’s a big, beefy white dude (the default male setting for The Bachelorette) who knows how to play the game. This usually breeds success. Still, his claim of not crying in MORE THAN A DECADE was a kind of crazy…

He’s either a liar or a droid — either way it’s not a good look.
D-Bag rating: 6

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joe_bach
Bachelor: Joe
Distinguishing characteristic: That Southern drawl.
Joe is an Insurance Agent. His southern charm can only help him so much.
D-Bag Rating: 6

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corey_bach
Bachelor: Corey
Distinguishing characteristic: His bio says 30, his faces says 40.
Corey hasn’t really stood out for anything on this season, and is probably going home soon. Seriously, I can’t remember anything about him, other than the fact he’s an investment banker. Which means he works 90 hours a week (even if two-thirds of those are spent on the golf course and out at lunch) and won’t have time for Kaitlyn if he wins. She knows this. Based on the small sample size and the fact all investment bankers are knobs, I feel comfortable with this:
D-Bag Rating: 6.5

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cupcake_bach

Bachelor: Chris “Cupcake”
Distinguishing characteristic: Unlike the current crop of Bachelors, Cupcake has a legit career.
The Dentist is a go-getter, and go-getters usually give off a snobby vibe. And any man that goes by the nickname “Cupcake” is a bit of quack. But he does have balls to make out with Kaitlyn right in front of everyone…

That was an Alpha Male power move, and it takes someone who is secure enough in their douchieness to pull it off.
D-Bag Rating: 7

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jared_bach

Bachelor: Jared
Distinguishing characteristic: The most P-whipped bro in the house.
You know, the guy that was TKO’d by Ben Z…

This guy just strikes me as kind of an emotional weirdo. He can’t even make eye contact!

I just get a bad vibe from Jared.
D-Bag Rating: 7

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tanner_bach
Bachelor: Tanner
Distinguishing characteristic: The name Tanner.
I can’t remember one thing Tanner has done this season, but his name is Tanner. That seals his fate.
D-Bag Rating: 8

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JJ_bach
Bachelor: JJ
Distinguishing characteristic: One half of the “Brokeback Bachelor” fiasco.

The Luigi to Clint’s Mario. The dude is just a sleazeball:

It’s obvious he just wants to stick around to keep his mug on TV and hang out with his boy Clint, rather than be with Kaitlyn.
D-Bag rating: 9

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clint_bach
Bachelor: Clint
Distinguishing characteristic: The sleezy wet hair look and the other “Brokeback Bachelor.”
The reigning douche champ, and it’s not even close right now. He is the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of douchebags on this season. Talk about someone who isn’t there for “the right reasons.” He is the epitome of not there for the right reasons. He even admits it…

Not only does he confess to not wanting to be there for Kaitlyn, he actively participated in the disgusting “Brokeback Bachelorette” storyline…

This guy has no shame, and an annoying face to boot. But look, douchebags drive this show. They’re the lifeblood of The Bachelorette. So even though this guy oozes slime, I kind of hope he sticks around for a while.
D-Bag Rating: 10

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Watch The Bachelorette, Mondays on ABC at 8/7C