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The Bachelorette: Power-Ranking Kaitlyn’s Makeout Sessions

By on June 9, 2015 – 3:45 pm

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By: Sean Burch, Features Editor

Kaitlyn Bristowe is a Bachelorette that I can get behind. She doesn’t just show up to the lot and pick a car, she takes them for a test drive. If the bachelors have a pulse and more than 5 seconds alone with her, chances are she’ll probably make out with them. And who can blame her? There’s no slut shaming on my end — I think she should be getting it while the getting is good. Plus it makes for good TV.

I tried my best to round up all of her hook ups, but trying to keep up with Kaitlyn’s conquests is like trying to keep up with Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash. Also keep in mind, this is through only five episodes! Kaitlyn is definitely getting mono by the end of the season.

At any rate, here’s what I’m looking for in a quality Bachelorette kiss: technique, setting, confidence, a little bit of playful touching, and obviously tongue. Let’s take a look at Kaitlyn’s make out sessions (sessions are based on a scale of 1 open mouth (horrible) to 10 open mouths (hot)…

SHAWN B
In the words of Homer Simpson, BORRRRING. Nothing too exciting here. He starts with a quick smooch, followed by a brief second round. Not sloppy or passionate or handsy at all. Loyal viewers (like me) expect more.

Rating:
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JOE
The Southern Gentleman seemed pretty pleased with his work, but I wasn’t. A resounding “meh.”

Rating:
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CLINT

Kaitlyn says there are three types of Clint kisses, and that making out on a rooftop is the best of all. She must’ve been blinded by his greasy hair, because I’m not seeing it. Look, I get it: Hooking up on a rooftop is cool, and they probably don’t have a lot of that going on in her native land of Canada. But this looks pretty basic to me. Honestly, I expected better from a sleaze like Clint.

Rating:
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BEN Z (Episode IV)

While the kiss itself is kind of bootleg, it get’s a boost from the Haunted Mansion backdrop. It helped set the mood, and by the sound of things, Kaitlyn was digging it. And that’s all that really matters.

Rating:
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IAN
My guy Ian with another solid performance. He grabs her by the neck and pulls her in to suck face. It’s an underrated, authoritative move, and he did it smoothly. You can also tell by what he says afterwards he is there for “the right reasons.”

Rating:
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BEN H

Another rooftop, another make out session. This one is a little better, though, once you move beyond his daft “girlfriend” comment at the beginning. The dip was a nice touch.

Rating:
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JARED

Mr. Emotional was TKO’d and sent to the hospital after his boxing match, but he still found a way to track down Kaitlyn and give her a kiss. And even though Jared and his gremlin face bother me, I have to give him credit here — he played through pain and delivered a solid performance.

Rating:
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NICK
The runner-up from last season’s Bachelorette showed up out of nowhere and immediately started making his mark. To do it on a boat, while all the other goofballs were wondering where Kaitlyn went, was a Casanova move.

Rating:
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CHRIS “CUPCAKE”

Now this… this is a make out sesh I can salute. Not only does The Dentist put the moves on Kaitlyn here, he does it right in front of the other guys! He should’ve walked off doing the big balls dance after this. That’s telling the other guys you graduated with from dental school, you have confidence, and you can do whatever the hell you want. For Kaitlyn’s first kiss of the season, if Cupcake had been a little more handsy, he would’ve earned a perfect score.

Rating:
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