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The Bachelorette Recap: The Quick Rise & Fast Fall of Ian (Week 5)

By on June 16, 2015 – 2:43 pm

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By: Sean Burch, Features Editor

You had to go and do me like that, Ian. More importantly — and this is a much more unforgivable offense — you had to go and do Kaitlyn like that.

Just one week ago I was driving the Ian bandwagon, with a bright, low cut V-Neck and everything. I was buying all of the Ian stock. I had an Ian car-flag waving from the window of my Ford Escort as I raced down the freeway.

And then last night happened, and you completely flipped your shit.

It was all downhill starting with the mariachi-themed group date. You simply sounded like a stooge here:

I get that you wanted to impress Kaitlyn, but you were way too serious, and cocky, about your performance. The phrase “I’ve got the muscles, and the brain, and the heart, so let me sing for a minute,” should have never left your mouth.

And after building yourself up like that, you went and completely wet the bed! Whatever, it happens to everyone on these schadenfreude-inducing dates. But you didn’t really handle it well:

It only got worse from there. After being humiliated, you decide to throw in the towel, and throw Kaitlyn under the bus at the same time:

Oh man, there’s a lot to sort through in this clip:

Where the hell do I start? First off, Kaitlyn doesn’t like you because you have the personality of a corpse. “Princeton graduate.” Okay, we get that you are smarter than us, no need to rub it in. But the “former model… defied death” comment sent you into the asshat stratosphere. How the hell did you defy death?

Then you go out in a final blaze of infamy, by insulting my girl Kaitlyn right to her face:

Dude, the whole point of being The Bachelorette is to hook up with as many guys as possible.

I thought you were one of the good guys. Someone that could handle 15 other dudes trying to snag the same girl as you. Someone that was there for “the right reasons.” But I was dead wrong, and you proved it last night. Instead, you were just another tool in a long list of narcissistic, emotionally-fragile, and spineless contestants on The Bachelorette. You don’t deserve Kaitlyn’s love. Take your collection of repulsive V-Neck shirts and beat it.

Watch The Bachelorette, Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Clip it with whipclip.